To Bilsthorpe bearing gifts

Saturday 19th November

CML North Division

FC 05 Bilsthorpe 4 Easington United 2

I had the idea to submit the following headline to the Holderness Gazette to describe Danny Blount's first game as skipper of the First Team - Blounty's big day goes as pear shaped as Charlie's tool.  That probably tells you all you need to know about our latest disappointing trip to Eakring Road...

For the first time in a long while, events at Easington United were not dominating my sporting agenda in the days leading up to the trip to Bilsthorpe.

This was partly because Hull KR had unveiled their 2012 playing strip; partly because England were playing two friendlies in which Capello was actually trying out new ideas; and mainly because the managerial situation at the Tigers was finally reaching a conclusion.  After Nigel Pearson’s protracted return to Leicester was finally confirmed, City unveiled Nick Barmby as their new caretaker boss.  It had originally been anticipated that former boss Warren (“The Great Escape”) Joyce was to be Pearson’s replacement with “Sir Nick” as assistant.  However, for whatever reason, Joyce decided against the move leaving The Tigers to unveil their first Hull-born boss. Here’s to the success of the “Barmby Army”…

Even Sir Nick's at a loss as to who comes in for Frosty

Monday brought with it our latest Development Group meeting (and a nice pint of Wentworth Imperial) wherein we had our biggest attendance since formation!  It’s night like this that have me thinking positively about the club again, although I’m sure there’s something just up around the corner that’ll knock that out of me before too long.

The following night saw a major shock in the East Riding Senior Cup when North Ferriby United – winners for the past five seasons – were beaten by Humber Premier League strugglers Hessle Rangers.  The same night another HPL side, St Andrews, dumped beaten 2010/11 finalists Hall Road Rangers out too.  Well I never.
The draw for the quarter-final of the Senior Cup and its Senior Country equivalent are to be made live on Radio Humberside’s Sports Talk programme on Wednesday 30th November.  I know this because the following day I was invited along to the event as representative of one of the clubs in the hat for the Country Cup.  I’m already rehearsing my, “Anyone at home” cliché!
Thursday brought the latest monthly meeting of the ER County League, at which Minutes Secretary (and Bridlington Town Chairman, Pete Smurthwaite) was in buoyant mood.  I wonder why??!!
By Friday I was back fully focussed on the trip to Bilsthorpe.  And suffice to say, we were back to the fairly familiar tale of counting bodies ahead of an away trip.  With Fitzy unavailable for the forseeable, Farny working, Gav not wishing to be considered for selection and Frosty “not right”, Mack and Nicho were already four down as well as left with some positional conundrums.  Potential replacements AJ and Stumo soon extended the list of absentees to six before the returning Brettles and former skipper Nige manfully volunteered for the trip despite neither being in the peak of full fitness. 
Despite the slightly depleted complement, everyone was in good heart when we finally pulled out of Hull at just after 11am.  Nicho took up a place in the front for the first time and was given a new insight into the workings of the Pistol’s mind.  Not sure he’ll ride shotgun again.

I'm a Celebrity lookalike, get me out of here...

An amusing game of ‘footballers lookalikes’ was conducted in the back.  Apparently I’m Antonio Doncel.  Hmm, reminds me of the song to the tune of Y Viva Espagna – “He came to City on a plane / An-ton-i-o Doncel / He was shit so we sent him back again / An-ton-i-o Doncel”.  He's a good looking lad though...isn't he?
Nicho was equally unimpressed with his apparent Stuart Ripley likeness - although even that was infinitely better than when the rules were extended to include lookalikes generally and he was suddenly tagged Corrie actor Anthony Cotton!
Meanwhile, highlight of the lot was The Pistol – or Frank Worthington as he’s now known!

Separated at birth

Having passed (and being passed by) several members of the “Barmby Army” en route to Pride Park, we pulled into Eakring Road at just before one o’clock.
The kit – which this week comprised first team shirts with reserves’ shorts & socks to avoid a clash – duly laid out, I invested in a cuppa and bite to eat just in time to see CML Chairman Frank Harwood coming across the car park.
It’s the first chance I’ve had to have a good chat with Frank since he attended our Presentation Evening at the end of our first season in the league and as on that night he was in good form.
Sadly we weren’t on top form when the game kicked off.  I shouldn’t be surprised.  In both previous trips to Eakring Road we’d struggled, losing the first by the odd goal and being denied by an injury time equaliser last year.  In addition, our opening day win over FC 05 at Low Farm had been our first against them in five meetings.
Even so we started relatively well and Nicho passed up a good early chance.  JC then saw one cleared off the line and I was feeling better about things.  Then they scored.  And what a fluke.  Jordan’s attempted pass cannoning back into the net off Michael Knight from fully 35-40 yards out.  Bizarre.

As good as it got

Just before half-time we levelled thanks to a Mozzer header from Nicho’s corner and I was quietly confident we’d go on to make it back-to-back wins.  Frank departed during the interval in order to collate the night’s results – putting a serious dent in the attendance figure in the process.  In total I counted twelve people who could loosely be classed as spectators and four of them were supporting the visitors.  The lack of programme was disappointing but the hospitality of new FC 05 boss Wayne Savage and his backroom staff wasn’t.
Sadly, it was our hospitality on show at the start of the second period.  First Charlie came for a free-kick he was never going to get then Blounty – skippering the side for the first time – showed that he’d learnt well from predecessor AG by heading powerfully into the top corner…of his own net!  Afterwards it was decided Charlie should have called...which went down well as you'd imagine!
And we were dead and buried.  Until that is Jamie H superbly volleyed Bezza’s cross back across keeper Darren Milnes and inside the far post.  Game on.
We did everything but score in the remaining twenty minutes.  Milnes was excellent, his defenders were brave – and lucky, no more so than when the ref and assistant missed a blatant handball just five minutes from time.  The assistant’s mitigation of, “It’s dark” had to be heard to be believed – the aforementioned FC 05 gaffer saw it and he was thirty yards further down the touchline!
In the final minute AG clipped Sam Clary who duly got up and converted the spot-kick.  4-2 and our 'Bilsthorpe Blues' go on.
Thankfully, the restorative effects of The Riding School Express soon worked their magic, along with a couple of crates of booze, making it an enjoyable trip home.  Meanwhile, some happy Hull City fans returning from a winning start to the Barmby reign were delighted (ahem) to be the latest people to see Mozzer’s naked arris at Donny North Services.  I do hope they recover.
A neatly timed stop-off at The Crooked Billet in Ryehill (don’t tell the missus) enabled a few of us to chew the fat over a lovely pint of Oxfordshire’s finest, Brakspear Beer, and by the time I rolled in it hardly seemed we’d lost at all.  Roll on next week... 

 

Frustration & Agitation

Saturday 21st August - FC 05 Bilsthorpe (home) Drew 1-1

 "One won't be enough today I'm telling you..."

When I was a nipper we used to play a game for four called "Frustration", which consisted of a pop-up dice in the middle and four counters per player; the object being to get all your counters around the board and into their "home" safely without those of any of your opponents landing on you.  Basically, it depended on the roll (or pop) of the dice.

We recently bought a variation of the game for the Slushettes.  It's now called Agitation but the formula remains the same; except '1' is the magic number, not '6' as was always the case when we were young.

I was reminded of both these games during the ninety minutes of football on show at Low Farm last Saturday.  Both titles sum up the overriding feelings among the home players, management and supporters perfectly.

For they had just squandered a great chance to make it two out of two for the start of the season.  And what's more, we didn't really start playing until the last fifteen minutes but should still have gone home with all 3pts.

That said, I'm not going to begrudge opponents FC 05 their share of the spoils.  As Manager Mack acknowledged afterwards, they came with a game plan and they saw it to fruition.

In fact, they were the more enterprising of the two teams early on as a hefty shower swept across Low Farm.  

But then from nowhere we were ahead.  On seventeen Mozzer drives into the box, gets entangled with goalkeeper Milnes and goes over. Penalty says referee Derek Brumpton and to be fair there are few protests.  Having said that, if the foul was clear-cut, given the position of Moz at the time it's perhaps surprising that no card was issued...a fact we would regret later on!

Up stepped Chav - he doesn't miss penalties - and didn't. 1-0.

 Chav doesn't miss penalties...

Thoughts that the goal might settle us down are misplaced.  Both Conroy and O'Rourke go close for the visitors.  We need a second...and nearly get it when JC puts Farny clear but his chip pings against the bar with Milnes beaten.  It's a narrow and perhaps fortuitous half-time lead.

The rain is in the air again at the interval but the Tea Hut still plays host to the assembled throng stood out front chatting over the events of the first 45 minutes, the past seven days and in some cases what seems like a whole lifetime!  I am quite rightly accosted for my inadvertent omission of a couple of Player Sponsors from the programme.  Thankfully they don't demand their money back and I assure them their names will be in for the Hutton Cranswick game on Bank Holiday Monday!

"I'd have had fower be noo if ah were playing"

I was busy flicking off the generator at the start of the second half when a groan from the crowd told me that we should have doubled our lead.  "Easier to score" was perhaps a cruel observation but Chav's miss would prove vital.

He wasn't the only one to pass up an opportunity; Frosty bursting through on the left but unable to find the target or even force a save.  I turned to Dooley Cousins (now thankfully without the rather fetching umbrella lent him by our Club Secretary) and say, "one one this".  I didn't mean to sound clever and in fact hoped to God I was wrong but you know when you just get that feeling...

It came on 67 minutes.  A foul just inside our half (which rather harshly also resulted in yellow for Blounty) and from the ensuing free-kick, the ball bounced back off the unfortunate Bezza just nicely for big centre-half Matt Peet to lash into the net.  1-1 and memories of last season's dropped points against the Notts outfit came scurrying back.

Mack rang the changes.  Stumo and Gav on for the tiring Hutch and the slightly off-key Farny, followed soon after by AG for Smalls.  And we at last began to force the pace.

A man for all seasons...nearly

Stumo was thwarted by Milnes as was Bezza as suddenly we looked like snatching a winner.  More fluent approach play, a ball whipped into the box, bounces up, hits an outstretched arm and most of the 56 spectators plus eleven lads in green & gold plead with Mr Brumpton for a second penalty.  Waved away.

Into injury time and - as Dooley points out - "we'll get one more chance".  We do.  A corner, not dealt with, drops to Chav about twelve yards out to the left of goal; he connects sweetly on the volley and the ball is top corner bound...only for Milnes to somehow get up and claw it away to safety.  The chance has gone.

Hope the Swedish Branch of the Ezzie SC were impressed!

Ironically the end of the game is accompanied by the best of the weather and it's gloriously sunny walk back to the Granby for Elder Slushette and me, my mood tempered only by the frustration of this result and news of The Tigers' drawing a blank at home to Watford.

Thankfully awaiting me in the pub is a fine pint of Great Newsome Harvest's Gold, with post-match burger and chips helping alleviate the slightly melancholy feel.  A couple of these and I'm already looking forward (or "forrad" as we say in these parts) to next week's first visit to Watnall Road, home of AFC Hucknall Town, a team that is already starting to attract much interest on the message boards - and a lot of it from before a ball had even been kicked.  Check back next week to find out why...

Thanks to Burt for the camera work

Bilsthorpe Blues

Saturday 20th February - FC 05 (away) Lost 0-1

It's snowing outside, Steve Wright is playing Hall & Oates' "She's Gone" on the radio and I'm preparing beef bourguignon for Sunday lunch while reflecting on the worst performance by Easington United thus far in the Central Midlands League.  The bottle of claret that forms part of the recipe is getting some hammer.

Yes, for the first time in our brief CML history we are nursing our wounds after suffering back-to-back defeats. And deservedly so.

There are no excuses. It was a perfect pitch in an ideal setting amid favourable conditions. We simply didn’t perform.

The Bilsthorpe Miners Welfare Ground on Eakring Road, home of opponents FC 05, is a picturesque setting. It is railed off on three sides (with rope and stakes on the fourth), it has a smart pavilion adjoining it and the car park is adorned by trees that come close to encroaching on the playing area, giving the venue a slight feel of Canterbury’s St Lawrence cricket ground.

Indeed it was the fault of these trees – or one in particular – that any doubt at all existed about this game going ahead; the shade caused by the overhang meaning that the sun couldn’t get to work in clearing another keen overnight frost from what is one of the finest playing surfaces in the league. Not that we were to use it much.

We arrived at the ground in good spirits following a hassle-free journey aboard the “Riding School Express”. Pete the Driver had made excellent time from Hull and only a minor glitch by the navigator (yours truly) spoilt an otherwise error-free run.

The mood on board was made all the more jovial by the latest batch of “Judy’s Hats”. Now part of official EUAFC merchandise, these hand-knitted bob-hats are enjoying something of a renaissance having first risen to prominence in the mid- to late-Nineties.

They were originally produced by my “Auntie Mon” (Monica Stabler) in the colours of the three Easington teams at the time – green/yellow (Firsts), sky/navy (Reserves) & red/white (Casuals).

Sadly Monica is no longer with us but the hats live on thanks to her daughter, and our long-serving Club Secretary, Judy.

Such is the current demand that Judy is struggling to meet orders (“I’m out o’ wool!”) as another group of players discover the delights of a good hat; even if some of them subsequently resemble characters from “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”! Aside from Owen (The Man) Mountain who prefers his own “About A Boy” headgear, the lads have taken the hats on board as part of their match day uniform.

And many may have wished Thommo had kept his hat on when it came to unveiling his new post-ski holiday hair-do for the first time in the changing room...

...As for Chav's "Man In Tights" routine.  Well, I suppose he is a Leeds Utd/Hull FC fan!

Shortly after arriving at the ground I was met by Rob Hornby, CML Registrar and one of the driving forces behind the forthcoming Bonanza. By kick-off he’d been joined by several fellow “Hoppers” including Rambler 77, author of “All Roads Lead To Somewhere”, whose honest account of the afternoon’s events would depress me even more when reading them later on that evening.

I’m pretty poor at recording names so I must apologise to the other “Hoppers” who I encountered. Such as the York City director who, with The Minstermen game-less, had come to Bilsthorpe to watch some decent footy. A shame that.
As he took down our team sheet details he had some kind words to say about us, having been “made most welcome” when visiting Low Farm a couple of years back.

Then there was the gentleman wearing the black & amber scarf, which he acknowledged was representative of his support of The Tigers of Hull and not the nearer-by Worksop as I’d first imagined. Now “exiled” in the People’s Republic of South Yorkshire, his trips to the KC are limited and, at any rate, “I prefer my non-league football these days”.

During a pleasant pre-match conversation he also informed me that he’d be attending the up-coming Bonanza as, despite coming from Hull originally, “I’ve never been to Easington”. He had been to Withernsea and admitted to having “loved it there” as a youngster.
Had he been there recently?
Yes, he’d taken his wife a few years back.
And?
“It’s a shithole”.
I smiled.

Another most amicable bloke is FC 05’s manager/secretary Neil Whitten. Along with making a very nice pre-match brew, he also took time out to apologise for the “other game”, which was shortly to kick off on the pitch situated to the far side of the cricket square.

Strictly speaking, this is in contravention of CML rules but had come about due to the frozen pitch which had earlier forced postponement of this Chad Mansfield Youth League U16 Division encounter from the morning to a 1.30pm kick-off. As it happened, to those who jumped at the chance of having an extra bit of football to watch, it proved an entertaining affair with hosts Bilsthorpe Welfare Youth edging out visitors Skegby Colts in a nine-goal thriller. Ours wasn’t to be even half as entertaining.

Having lost Smalls, Stumo and Hutch through the week and with Frosty still not recovered from the injury suffered at Kiveton, Mack and Nige had made three changes from the starting line-up against Church Warsop.

All three came at the back. New boy Danny Blount and returning skipper AG formed a new-look central partnership (above) with the aforementioned “Man Mountain” coming in at right back.

Meanwhile on the bench were the aforementioned Thommo and Hodgy, deprived of his chance a week earlier by a late switch to the Stiffs.

So despite the changes, it was still a strong looking squad and one that should have been capable of getting a result against opponents we had “battered” when drawing 0-0 at Low Farm in September.

As their name suggests, our hosts were formed in 2005 and have enjoyed a rapid rise from Division 2 of the Midland Amateur Alliance.  Crowned Premier Division champions in 2008/09 they celebrated with admission to the CML and a move to their new home.

However, their form this season has been patchy with last week's defeat at Bulwell Town putting them down among a group of five clubs aiming to stave off re-election.

Initial signs that we could add to our hosts' discomfort were promising as a neat passing move, originating from Chaz’s quick distribution from goal, culminated in left back Bezza latching onto Mozzer’s fine pass but not quite finding the finish to beat goalkeeper Milnes. Good signs. Er, no.

Within a minute we were a goal down – speedy winger Whitten exploiting the space from whence Bezza had come to cross for Speed to head powerfully past Chaz via the underside of the bar; the referee’s assistant signalling correctly that the ball had crossed the line.

And that was almost that in terms of excitement. We had chances to level matters, though not half as many as we should have been able to forge. Farny and Gav both had efforts blocked or saved, Farny also found the top of the net with a header, Jamie Cousins couldn’t quite get on the end of Hodgy’s clever pass, while – in the best opening – Mozzer was denied by Milnes’ sprawling legs having made room in the box.

As we stood there thinking a goal must come eventually – without ever really believing it – one almost did at the other end when, twice, the hosts caught us on the counter. First sub Dodsworth couldn’t convert his first touch after coming on then Chaz did well to drive Whitten too wide.

Late drama should’ve followed when a home defender clearly handled in the box but referee Amadou Jallow was unsighted.  Tempers frayed and there were a couple of little niggling incidents that in truth worked to the advantage of the home team.

Mr Jallow then incurred the wrath of the visiting contingent in a 32-strong crowd when appearing to blow for time bang on 90 minutes – despite there having been several injuries that had required on-field attention, three substitutions and at least a couple of instances of the ref having to tell goalkeeper Milnes to “get on with it” at goal kicks. But this shouldn’t disguise the fact – we were pants.

The mood of many of us was further darkened by news of an early goal for the Hammers at Upton Park, with Craig Fagan’s dismissal following as we boarded the bus for the nearby Welfare Club. It was 2-0 shortly after entering the establishment and I was past caring by the time a third signalled another futile away day for The Tigers.

The post-match fare certainly looked tasty enough (curry & chips) but with another biryani on the menu for later on I declined, instead preferring to check out the available pumps. This completed my day’s disappointment. There was to be no repeat of the wonders that awaited us at Kiveton Park and so I plumped for the Mann’s Chestnut Mild. It was, erm, okay.

Two pints later and it was back aboard the “Riding School Express” and northward-bound. Enough out-takes were supplied to enable the exercising of the vocal chords on all the club favourites as well as ensuring the Asst-Mgr would not be a popular man in his own household the following morning (?!).

And as the night sky took just that little bit longer to come rolling in on our way home, I consoled myself with the thought that there are a lot worse ways to spend a Saturday evening. And there was still the last “Take Me Out” to go home to - “No likey, no lighty”. Don’t knock it; Ant ‘n’ Dec are back next week!

Thanks to Burt Graham again for much of the photography

Eclipsing the Clippers

Monday 31 August - Hutton Cranswick United (away) Drew 1-1
Saturday 5 September - FC 05 (home) Drew 0-0
Saturday 12 September - Kinsley Boys, League Cup Round 1 (home) Won 6-2

Last weekend saw thousands of people flock to Hull for the start of the Clipper Round-the-World Yacht Race and the “Freedom Festival”. Not surprisingly this resulted in traffic chaos on Saturday as diversions kicked in around the city centre at lunchtime and lasted until midnight.
As referred to by Bob L. Hat in his review on the Tony Kempster site, these diversions also impacted on our Quartet Catering League Challenge Cup first round tie at home to Wakefield side Kinsley Boys. So much so that our visitors didn’t arrive at Low Farm until ten to three with the referee – himself delayed, along with his assistants, by a “blow out” on the M18 – deciding to delay kick-off until a quarter past.

What followed was easily the best ninety minutes experienced thus far in our brief membership of the Central Midlands League. Glorious weather, a decent crowd (73 h/c bolstered by a sizeable travelling contingent) and an entertaining game which saw us upset the formbook and knock out the League’s “August Team of the Month”. It doesn’t get much better (although the “Ryedale Best” in The Neptune wasn’t the most accurate description for my post-match tipple. But hey you can’t have everything!).

The cup win certainly compensated for the rather disappointing result the previous week, at home to FC 05. That 0-0 draw had followed a spirited showing at Hutton Cranswick (1-1) on Bank Holiday Monday and both results mean we go to Church Warsop this Saturday looking for our first league win since the opening day.

Church Warsop Miners Welfare FC currently occupy second place in the table and put nine past Thorne Colliery last weekend. Ominously their squad includes a former Shirebrook Town forward – Simon Johnson; the last time we faced a team containing former Shirebrook players was Parkhouse! We will have to be on our guard.

The village of Church Warsop itself is located just north of Mansfield off the A60 and the ground is a tidy affair, reviewed recently by Ground Hopper “Sticky Palms”. The day will therefore again see us leaving Easington at eleven o’clock on Pete’s “Riding School Express” and involves a drive of just over two hours according to the (in)famous AA Route Finder. This means I should get home just as we're finding out who’s joined Hull KR in the Eliminator Semi-Final of the play-offs (!!!) and also in time to fall asleep in front of “Casualty” - much to the annoyance of the missus!
Despite our move to the CMFL and resignation from the Humber Premier League I still follow the HPL results and keep in touch with several members of clubs involved therein. And at first glance this season’s Premier Division looks wide-open. The likes of Hessle Rangers – strugglers last term – are up there among the early pacesetters while champions Chalk Lane have made a solid if unspectacular start (even at home on the 3G) and usual contenders Sculcoates have endured very mixed fortunes.Predictably, however, Reckitts name is up among the leaders and I’d be amazed if it doesn’t remain there for the duration. We get the chance to find out for ourselves how good the current side is on October 10 when we go there in the ERCFA Senior Cup. With the likes of ‘Nicho’ and Steve Harrod (below) currently plying their wares for Starty’s side there’ll no doubt be plenty of banter flying around as we aim to repeat last season’s victories against the five-times HPL champions.

Elsewhere our two County League sides are away again this Saturday. The Stiffs return to Parkside School to face Goole Goods Office while Maccer’s Casuals are just up the road at Withernsea Thirds. Both teams will be looking to bounce back from opening day defeats and kick-start their seasons.

This schedule leaves the Farm without a game on Saturday, which is not only disappointing for supporters but also for the ground given the current fair weather. Twice already this season, it has been left idle on a Saturday; I just hope we don’t pay for this later in the season when fixtures start to mount up.

Finally, following last week’s cup win it was a happy Lusmore clan that joined Assistant boss Nige and family on Sunday for a jaunt up to Dalby Forest. A good day’s yomping up hill and down dale (and around the gorgeous nearby village of Thornton le Dale) was followed by a sumptuous nosh-up in The Middleton Arms at North Grimston. This was the same watering-hole our party ha d retired to at the end of the “Million Metre Meander” back in May and really is worth a visit. Sadly there was no Timothy Taylor Landlord on offer but Wold Top’s Falling Stone provided a fine substitute as well as the perfect accompaniment to a cracking steak and mushroom pie.

If this weekend proves half as satisfying I’ll be one very happy blogger…

(PHOTOS (from top): Joni Purse scores the sixth goal against Kinsley; Neil Rutter heads home the second (courtesy of Colin Brammer); The Welcome sign at Church Warsop MW (from the club website); Steve Harrod in action for Reckitts at Hedon Rangers earlier this season (courtesy of Colin Brammer))