That joke isn't funny anymore

Saturday 27th February - Parkhouse FC (home) Match postponed
Tim Vine at Hull Truck

Mrs Slush and I went to see Tim Vine last week. It was the Hull date on his Joke-amotive Tour. Both he and support act, comedy magician John Archer, were very funny…unlike the joke that is the current state of the Low Farm pitch!

As expected it was again deemed unplayable long before Saturday’s scheduled two o’clock kick-off against Parkhouse. Already “in grave doubt” on Wednesday following the previous night’s rainfall, further damp conditions meant that when I visited it on Friday lunchtime the decision was effectively made for me.

An afternoon email to the match officials and our opponents (complete with photos above) warned of what was to come. Thus when an afternoon deluge of rain, sleet and some snow followed, Parkhouse became the fourth CML opponents this term (behind Thorne, Dronfield and Phoenix Sports) to be thwarted in their efforts to visit the seaside.

If Friday’s pictures provided depressing viewing, the sight that confronted us on Saturday morning (above) was even worse. To the nine who assembled at the “Welcome” sign just after nine o’clock, Low Farm did not look like a venue capable of staging the first part of the three-match CML Bonanza set to take place in exactly one week’s time. Indeed it appeared better suited to hosting a regatta rather than a football match.

The Parkhouse postponement proved doubly frustrating for me as it was the first one in which production of the programme had gone past the point of no return. This was due to the one for the Bonanza match against Hutton Cranswick being required ahead of the date. Hence covers for Issue 14 and Issue 15 fired off the presses…well, the works photocopier…almost simultaneously. Only for Issue 14 to subsequently become “not required yet”.

With the lack of any football to watch (Friday’s rain also accounted for the Reserves’ trip to North Cave while the Casuals were without a scheduled fixture) Saturday presented another opportunity for some family time (as well as the chance to catch the England v Ireland game in the Six Nations).

The weather was fairly friendly on Saturday afternoon, prompting Mrs Slush and I to take the Slushettes along the route we used to walk when looking after Grandad Slush’s dog in the days before our own two young pups turned up.

This route takes you past the oldest of the onshore gas terminals (known as Easington) to the sea and along the cliff-top before coming back out opposite BP’s newer terminal (known as Dimlington on account of its location near what was formally known as Dimlington high-lands – a quite amusing title given the crumbling nature of the Holderness coastline along this stretch; nothing’s very high anymore!)

Probably a couple of miles or so in distance, it’s a pleasant stroll as most of it is along prepared footpaths and trails, although given the recent wet weather, it was quite boggy in parts.As usual the Youngest Slushette didn’t last long before whingeing about the distance involved and I soon acquired a fairly hefty back-pack for the middle part of the walk.

As with my experience on some of the other walks enjoyed around the village, you really don’t appreciate what is on your doorstep. And the sight and sounds of the North Sea breaking on the coastal defences at the foot of the cliffs presented the Slushettes with some real excitement (they're easily pleased). Meanwhile the sight of the nearby caravan site looking forlorn in the mid-afternoon darkness of a dull February day prompted more Morrissey memories.

Finally nearing home on the return journey we were beckoned into the home of Club Sec Judy, or rather the shed of husband Jeff. Therein he was having a “dummy run” with his newly acquired “double burner gas stove”, to be used as part of the catering operation for the aforementioned Bonanza. The smell of bacon frying was delicious but Jeff wasn’t so impressed.

“I’ll have to start cooking Wednesday if this thing’s going to produce 150 bacon butties in time for Saturday. And God knows how we’re going to do the sausages!”
If I know Jeff, he’ll have a cunning plan.

Talking of which, despite a thoroughly depressing day weather-wise on the Sunday, I heard tell that two other Clubmen – Dave & Brim – had taken delivery of a digger and had begun work on clearing the pitch of water. Dedication of the highest order. The results of their efforts (and those who joined them) would be seen in a couple of days…