That joke isn't funny anymore

Saturday 27th February - Parkhouse FC (home) Match postponed
Tim Vine at Hull Truck

Mrs Slush and I went to see Tim Vine last week. It was the Hull date on his Joke-amotive Tour. Both he and support act, comedy magician John Archer, were very funny…unlike the joke that is the current state of the Low Farm pitch!

As expected it was again deemed unplayable long before Saturday’s scheduled two o’clock kick-off against Parkhouse. Already “in grave doubt” on Wednesday following the previous night’s rainfall, further damp conditions meant that when I visited it on Friday lunchtime the decision was effectively made for me.

An afternoon email to the match officials and our opponents (complete with photos above) warned of what was to come. Thus when an afternoon deluge of rain, sleet and some snow followed, Parkhouse became the fourth CML opponents this term (behind Thorne, Dronfield and Phoenix Sports) to be thwarted in their efforts to visit the seaside.

If Friday’s pictures provided depressing viewing, the sight that confronted us on Saturday morning (above) was even worse. To the nine who assembled at the “Welcome” sign just after nine o’clock, Low Farm did not look like a venue capable of staging the first part of the three-match CML Bonanza set to take place in exactly one week’s time. Indeed it appeared better suited to hosting a regatta rather than a football match.

The Parkhouse postponement proved doubly frustrating for me as it was the first one in which production of the programme had gone past the point of no return. This was due to the one for the Bonanza match against Hutton Cranswick being required ahead of the date. Hence covers for Issue 14 and Issue 15 fired off the presses…well, the works photocopier…almost simultaneously. Only for Issue 14 to subsequently become “not required yet”.

With the lack of any football to watch (Friday’s rain also accounted for the Reserves’ trip to North Cave while the Casuals were without a scheduled fixture) Saturday presented another opportunity for some family time (as well as the chance to catch the England v Ireland game in the Six Nations).

The weather was fairly friendly on Saturday afternoon, prompting Mrs Slush and I to take the Slushettes along the route we used to walk when looking after Grandad Slush’s dog in the days before our own two young pups turned up.

This route takes you past the oldest of the onshore gas terminals (known as Easington) to the sea and along the cliff-top before coming back out opposite BP’s newer terminal (known as Dimlington on account of its location near what was formally known as Dimlington high-lands – a quite amusing title given the crumbling nature of the Holderness coastline along this stretch; nothing’s very high anymore!)

Probably a couple of miles or so in distance, it’s a pleasant stroll as most of it is along prepared footpaths and trails, although given the recent wet weather, it was quite boggy in parts.As usual the Youngest Slushette didn’t last long before whingeing about the distance involved and I soon acquired a fairly hefty back-pack for the middle part of the walk.

As with my experience on some of the other walks enjoyed around the village, you really don’t appreciate what is on your doorstep. And the sight and sounds of the North Sea breaking on the coastal defences at the foot of the cliffs presented the Slushettes with some real excitement (they're easily pleased). Meanwhile the sight of the nearby caravan site looking forlorn in the mid-afternoon darkness of a dull February day prompted more Morrissey memories.

Finally nearing home on the return journey we were beckoned into the home of Club Sec Judy, or rather the shed of husband Jeff. Therein he was having a “dummy run” with his newly acquired “double burner gas stove”, to be used as part of the catering operation for the aforementioned Bonanza. The smell of bacon frying was delicious but Jeff wasn’t so impressed.

“I’ll have to start cooking Wednesday if this thing’s going to produce 150 bacon butties in time for Saturday. And God knows how we’re going to do the sausages!”
If I know Jeff, he’ll have a cunning plan.

Talking of which, despite a thoroughly depressing day weather-wise on the Sunday, I heard tell that two other Clubmen – Dave & Brim – had taken delivery of a digger and had begun work on clearing the pitch of water. Dedication of the highest order. The results of their efforts (and those who joined them) would be seen in a couple of days…

Bedding-In for the weekend

Facing up to another washout...

Here we go again.  Our Groundsman has informed me that our chances of playing Parkhouse this Saturday are "pretty remote".  That's his polite speak for "no fookin chance". 

Apparently, two days' solid drying weather (Mon/Tue) was wiped out in just one night's rain.  And as I type this it is damp, murky and misty with heavy rainfall forecast tomorrow (Friday).  Some people might say it could be worse, we could be in Cumbria or Scotland.  I'm not having that. 

Anyway, there's little I can do about it except wait and pray for a miracle.

Still there's always something to cheer one up at time like this and it comes in the form of this footage, posted on the internet, of Jimmy Bullard's latest stylish return to the playing field.  Check out this goal against Wigan Reserves at North Ferriby's Church Road ground; it's from a mobile phone apparently but you still get to appreciate the genius of the talent that is our 5M dollar man...

Bilsthorpe Blues

Saturday 20th February - FC 05 (away) Lost 0-1

It's snowing outside, Steve Wright is playing Hall & Oates' "She's Gone" on the radio and I'm preparing beef bourguignon for Sunday lunch while reflecting on the worst performance by Easington United thus far in the Central Midlands League.  The bottle of claret that forms part of the recipe is getting some hammer.

Yes, for the first time in our brief CML history we are nursing our wounds after suffering back-to-back defeats. And deservedly so.

There are no excuses. It was a perfect pitch in an ideal setting amid favourable conditions. We simply didn’t perform.

The Bilsthorpe Miners Welfare Ground on Eakring Road, home of opponents FC 05, is a picturesque setting. It is railed off on three sides (with rope and stakes on the fourth), it has a smart pavilion adjoining it and the car park is adorned by trees that come close to encroaching on the playing area, giving the venue a slight feel of Canterbury’s St Lawrence cricket ground.

Indeed it was the fault of these trees – or one in particular – that any doubt at all existed about this game going ahead; the shade caused by the overhang meaning that the sun couldn’t get to work in clearing another keen overnight frost from what is one of the finest playing surfaces in the league. Not that we were to use it much.

We arrived at the ground in good spirits following a hassle-free journey aboard the “Riding School Express”. Pete the Driver had made excellent time from Hull and only a minor glitch by the navigator (yours truly) spoilt an otherwise error-free run.

The mood on board was made all the more jovial by the latest batch of “Judy’s Hats”. Now part of official EUAFC merchandise, these hand-knitted bob-hats are enjoying something of a renaissance having first risen to prominence in the mid- to late-Nineties.

They were originally produced by my “Auntie Mon” (Monica Stabler) in the colours of the three Easington teams at the time – green/yellow (Firsts), sky/navy (Reserves) & red/white (Casuals).

Sadly Monica is no longer with us but the hats live on thanks to her daughter, and our long-serving Club Secretary, Judy.

Such is the current demand that Judy is struggling to meet orders (“I’m out o’ wool!”) as another group of players discover the delights of a good hat; even if some of them subsequently resemble characters from “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”! Aside from Owen (The Man) Mountain who prefers his own “About A Boy” headgear, the lads have taken the hats on board as part of their match day uniform.

And many may have wished Thommo had kept his hat on when it came to unveiling his new post-ski holiday hair-do for the first time in the changing room...

...As for Chav's "Man In Tights" routine.  Well, I suppose he is a Leeds Utd/Hull FC fan!

Shortly after arriving at the ground I was met by Rob Hornby, CML Registrar and one of the driving forces behind the forthcoming Bonanza. By kick-off he’d been joined by several fellow “Hoppers” including Rambler 77, author of “All Roads Lead To Somewhere”, whose honest account of the afternoon’s events would depress me even more when reading them later on that evening.

I’m pretty poor at recording names so I must apologise to the other “Hoppers” who I encountered. Such as the York City director who, with The Minstermen game-less, had come to Bilsthorpe to watch some decent footy. A shame that.
As he took down our team sheet details he had some kind words to say about us, having been “made most welcome” when visiting Low Farm a couple of years back.

Then there was the gentleman wearing the black & amber scarf, which he acknowledged was representative of his support of The Tigers of Hull and not the nearer-by Worksop as I’d first imagined. Now “exiled” in the People’s Republic of South Yorkshire, his trips to the KC are limited and, at any rate, “I prefer my non-league football these days”.

During a pleasant pre-match conversation he also informed me that he’d be attending the up-coming Bonanza as, despite coming from Hull originally, “I’ve never been to Easington”. He had been to Withernsea and admitted to having “loved it there” as a youngster.
Had he been there recently?
Yes, he’d taken his wife a few years back.
And?
“It’s a shithole”.
I smiled.

Another most amicable bloke is FC 05’s manager/secretary Neil Whitten. Along with making a very nice pre-match brew, he also took time out to apologise for the “other game”, which was shortly to kick off on the pitch situated to the far side of the cricket square.

Strictly speaking, this is in contravention of CML rules but had come about due to the frozen pitch which had earlier forced postponement of this Chad Mansfield Youth League U16 Division encounter from the morning to a 1.30pm kick-off. As it happened, to those who jumped at the chance of having an extra bit of football to watch, it proved an entertaining affair with hosts Bilsthorpe Welfare Youth edging out visitors Skegby Colts in a nine-goal thriller. Ours wasn’t to be even half as entertaining.

Having lost Smalls, Stumo and Hutch through the week and with Frosty still not recovered from the injury suffered at Kiveton, Mack and Nige had made three changes from the starting line-up against Church Warsop.

All three came at the back. New boy Danny Blount and returning skipper AG formed a new-look central partnership (above) with the aforementioned “Man Mountain” coming in at right back.

Meanwhile on the bench were the aforementioned Thommo and Hodgy, deprived of his chance a week earlier by a late switch to the Stiffs.

So despite the changes, it was still a strong looking squad and one that should have been capable of getting a result against opponents we had “battered” when drawing 0-0 at Low Farm in September.

As their name suggests, our hosts were formed in 2005 and have enjoyed a rapid rise from Division 2 of the Midland Amateur Alliance.  Crowned Premier Division champions in 2008/09 they celebrated with admission to the CML and a move to their new home.

However, their form this season has been patchy with last week's defeat at Bulwell Town putting them down among a group of five clubs aiming to stave off re-election.

Initial signs that we could add to our hosts' discomfort were promising as a neat passing move, originating from Chaz’s quick distribution from goal, culminated in left back Bezza latching onto Mozzer’s fine pass but not quite finding the finish to beat goalkeeper Milnes. Good signs. Er, no.

Within a minute we were a goal down – speedy winger Whitten exploiting the space from whence Bezza had come to cross for Speed to head powerfully past Chaz via the underside of the bar; the referee’s assistant signalling correctly that the ball had crossed the line.

And that was almost that in terms of excitement. We had chances to level matters, though not half as many as we should have been able to forge. Farny and Gav both had efforts blocked or saved, Farny also found the top of the net with a header, Jamie Cousins couldn’t quite get on the end of Hodgy’s clever pass, while – in the best opening – Mozzer was denied by Milnes’ sprawling legs having made room in the box.

As we stood there thinking a goal must come eventually – without ever really believing it – one almost did at the other end when, twice, the hosts caught us on the counter. First sub Dodsworth couldn’t convert his first touch after coming on then Chaz did well to drive Whitten too wide.

Late drama should’ve followed when a home defender clearly handled in the box but referee Amadou Jallow was unsighted.  Tempers frayed and there were a couple of little niggling incidents that in truth worked to the advantage of the home team.

Mr Jallow then incurred the wrath of the visiting contingent in a 32-strong crowd when appearing to blow for time bang on 90 minutes – despite there having been several injuries that had required on-field attention, three substitutions and at least a couple of instances of the ref having to tell goalkeeper Milnes to “get on with it” at goal kicks. But this shouldn’t disguise the fact – we were pants.

The mood of many of us was further darkened by news of an early goal for the Hammers at Upton Park, with Craig Fagan’s dismissal following as we boarded the bus for the nearby Welfare Club. It was 2-0 shortly after entering the establishment and I was past caring by the time a third signalled another futile away day for The Tigers.

The post-match fare certainly looked tasty enough (curry & chips) but with another biryani on the menu for later on I declined, instead preferring to check out the available pumps. This completed my day’s disappointment. There was to be no repeat of the wonders that awaited us at Kiveton Park and so I plumped for the Mann’s Chestnut Mild. It was, erm, okay.

Two pints later and it was back aboard the “Riding School Express” and northward-bound. Enough out-takes were supplied to enable the exercising of the vocal chords on all the club favourites as well as ensuring the Asst-Mgr would not be a popular man in his own household the following morning (?!).

And as the night sky took just that little bit longer to come rolling in on our way home, I consoled myself with the thought that there are a lot worse ways to spend a Saturday evening. And there was still the last “Take Me Out” to go home to - “No likey, no lighty”. Don’t knock it; Ant ‘n’ Dec are back next week!

Thanks to Burt Graham again for much of the photography

Two Funerals And A Wedding Anniversary

Saturday 13th February – Church Warsop Miners Welfare (home) Lost 2-4

All through the week leading up to this game against the leaders I’d had a feeling things weren’t going to go according to plan – and this wasn’t just because the Programme was Issue No.13!

Quite why the downer I don’t know, as the previous weekend had proved highly enjoyable.

As already recalled the trip to Kiveton Park had been one of the better ones and had yielded three more points. City had managed a priceless win at the KC and England had accounted for Wales in the Six Nations. I’d even managed to avoid incurring the wrath of Mrs Slush by not falling into my usual Saturday evening drunken slumber…well, almost.

The following day provided one of those seemingly all-too-rare family occasions, unspoilt even by the continuing inclement weather. It had begun with Elder Slushette and me accompanying Grandad on his morning constitutional, in which I managed to direct my daughter’s attention to points of interest such as the swan family that has made its home just off the Kilnsea road…

…and South End Farm (below), the former home of our beloved Eastenders in the 1940s and early 50s before their move to the Easington Rec. & Sports Ground (aka Low Farm). 

You can guess which she was more taken with.

Suitably invigorated after our jaunt, we enjoyed the highlight of any proper Sunday – a good old fashioned roast dinner with far too much of everything on offer. Fortified by a couple of glasses of Hardy’s, the washing-up and clearing away was made bearable by the accompanying commentary of Rovers’ opening day win over Salford in Super League XV.

By rights it was an occasion I should have witnessed in the flesh and indeed at one point it appeared that there may even be a Slush Family Outing, with the missus quite keen on seeing that Olly Murs chap in person. In the event, even this “coup” on the part of the HKR marketing people didn’t quite warrant the cost of over fifty quid for the four of us to sit out in the open on a cold, damp February afternoon (get that North Stand sorted Rovers).

Still, it was pleasing to hear afterwards that the X-Factor runner-up had done himself no harm at all with a performance that in addition to the song-and-dance stuff also included rugby tackling Rufus and slotting over several successful goal-kicks (can’t imagine sloppy Joe McElderry doing any of that!).

It all set the tone for what should have been an enjoyable week ahead. Monday marked eight years since Mrs Slush and I said the Sinhalese for “I do” on the back of a Sri Lankan elephant – and I’d remembered, which is always a bonus.
Although not matching the soaring temperatures of that day in Ahungalla, 8 Feb 2010 in Easington dawned dry with a strong easterly wind that usually raises hopes of recovery in the Low Farm pitch. The blog was attracting favourable comments from those whose own offerings I’ve long admired, the club was set to make another new signing and I’d just had official confirmation of my place on a well-respected writers’ course. Oh, and Mrs Slush and I had received an invitation to a wedding bash, which doesn’t happen very often these days. Things were looking up…
Perhaps it was my attendance at a second funeral inside a week that signalled the change in mood. Or possibly the slight shock to the system I had a couple of days later, one that triggered the joyless task of trying to book an appointment at my local surgery: “I’m thinking of being ill a week on Tuesday at about 3.40pm if that’s okay?” Although this slight interruption to my normal well-being was subsequently deemed not serious it was enough to ensure I now have my own choice of songs recorded for the time they’re eventually required – there’s no way I want someone playing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” or similar footy-related shite for my day of dispatch (it’s The Lotus Eaters’ First Picture of You and Danny Wilson’s Mary’s Prayer in case you’re wondering).

This growing mood of melancholy wasn’t helped by listening to 10-men City’s midweek reverse at Blackburn and Rovers’ Friday night thumping at Wigan. Especially so when these setbacks book-ended news of the possible cancellation of the forthcoming Bonanza event, continuing problems with my garage door and those constant bloody trailers for Gordon’s “sob fest” interview with his old mucker Piers Morgan. Meanwhile the weather kept throwing up just enough wet stuff to leave the Church Warsop match in doubt and the prospect of having another batch of redundant programmes on my hands.

Thankfully the skies remained clear overnight Friday and into Saturday morning, with breeze enough to just about dry up the problem areas. This allowed our 8.30am pitch inspection to declare “game on”. My mood lightened. Briefly.

Our opponents Church Warsop Miners Welfare came to Low Farm as leaders of the Premier Division table by 5pts from Dronfield Town, albeit having played a game more. Since our fine win at ‘The Alley’ back in September they had gone eleven league matches unbeaten and, what’s more, they arrived on the back of a 9-0 rout of local rivals Welbeck Welfare – a side we’d struggled to take a point off before Christmas.

Their visit also coincided with a “first” for Low Farm during our CML membership in that we were allowed to stage two games simultaneously. This proved a blessing as two late no-shows for the Reserves on the (in)famous “Pitch Across The Ditch” meant one of our number, the unlucky Hodgy, was asked to swap his first team subs slot for a Stiffs start…which, to be fair, he did with good grace.

While these eleventh hour shenanigans were taking place I was hopping between the various changing rooms and the Tea Hut, welcoming referees, opponents and sponsors (not forgetting 67-yr-old ‘hopper Ian who’d made the trip from Stafford to the East Riding “because Wolves haven’t got a game”!) while also finding time to enter into “debate” with the father of one of our Reserve team’s opponents over the respective merits of the CML and HPL (I won’t bore you with the details). I didn’t even have time to find out the winner of the “Worst ‘Tache Award” before it was five to two and both teams were being led out on to a lush looking Low Farm playing surface.

With Church Warsop and the Reserves’ peculiarly named opponents (Artfuldodgerny.com FC) both possessing a certain “edge” the suggestion had been made that we should allow the visiting teams to play each other while we all sloped off to the pub. Not a bad idea in hindsight!

We actually started both games brightly On the main pitch Gav and Hutchie had already gone close and Gav also had what appeared a strong penalty shout turned down by the time a handball in the visitors box did result in Referee Moffatt pointing to the spot. Up stepped Chav to deservedly fire us ahead (below).

That was on twelve minutes. After thirteen Warsop were level, Gavin Dobb hitting a spectacular overhead riposte from the edge of the box (albeit amid strong claims for a foul in the build-up).

It was entertaining stuff and on 17mins we were back in front. Another infringement close to the box and Mozza blasted the resulting free-kick around the wall and home (below).

Three minutes later came the incident which, ultimately, turned the game as Warsop were awarded a penalty when our keeper came racing off his line to meet striker Dean Rick. Rick went down, the nearby ref’s asst remained motionless but the referee – some twenty yards behind the incident – pointed to the spot. Not surprisingly our highly-strung keeper went apoplectic in his protests and his conviction would suggest he was being honest when he said he’d pulled his hands away (a view backed up by the spectators nearest the incident). However, in the interests of fairness, midfielder Mozza (running alongside the ref at the time) thought the man in the middle had got it right. No matter – Simon Johnson duly converted goal number 23 of the season and it was all square again.

During a rare lull in the action I’d looked across – through the gap provided by a slight break in the hedgerow - to see both teams lining up on the Pitch Across The Ditch following a goal for the Dodgers. A few minutes later I looked again, just in time to witness new Stiffs player-boss Kevin Appleyard make a flying save. The signs were that things weren’t going to plan on there either…

I had this confirmed just before the break when en route to the changing rooms to fire up the generator I met a bloodied Hodgy on his way to get some treatment following what looked a painful smack on the nose.

“Are you still a goal down?”

“No”

“Excellent”

“It’s three”

“Ah”

Back on the main arena, both sides strove to no avail for an advantage and half-time arrived at 2-2.

During the interval I managed a catch-up with ERCFA Juniors Coach Andy Foster who was accompanying our match sponsor. I also had time for a few words with Pete, he of “Riding School Express” fame, who must surely have qualified for the "Worst dressed driver Ever" award (sadly no photos were taken).
The second half opened in pretty much the same fashion as the first had ended. Gradually, though, it was the visitors who appeared to take control in terms of dictating the pace of the game and forcing the issue.

Both teams made changes in an attempt to win the game and, after Simon Johnson (one of three Johnsons in the Warsop line-up) had passed up two opportunities from close range, striker partner Rick showed him how to do it – dancing through some rather woeful “tackles” before planting the ball past Chaz and racing off to enjoy a “splash” of a celebration with his team-mates.

Mack immediately introduced sub “Man Mountain” up top and the move almost paid immediate dividends when the youngster found himself in the clear. His shot beat Payne but as the crowd of 47 waited in anticipation the ball bounced back off the upright and across goal to safety.
Two further chances followed before sub Yoandry Depass capitalised on some tired Easington defending to put another goal on a plate for the aforementioned Rick. The away entourage again came rushing from their dugout in celebration – as asst-boss Micky Taylor acknowledged afterwards, this was a “massive” win for them in their title quest.

Our disappointment at the final whistle was compounded by news of the Stiffs 1-5 reverse across the ditch and another tonking for our third team the Casuals (0-8 at fellow strugglers Haltemprice). In the words of the classic movie, it was a Bad Day At Black Rock.

Thankfully, by the time I reached the Neptune, the banter among members of both Easington teams was as good as ever and already thoughts were being cast towards the following week’s fixtures (a trip to Bilsthorpe for the Firsts, a massive six-pointer against fellow Premier Division strugglers Scully Reserves for the Stiffs). T’was as it always has been during my involvement with Easington football – win or lose we’ll have a booze.

Ironically, with defeat actually confirmed, I felt something of a change in my prevailing mood; almost as if a great weight had been lifted. After a couple of pints of not the finest Tetley Cask I gathered up the Slushettes for the walk home. Tomorrow was Valentines Day, love would be in the air and Mrs Slush and I could cuddle up on the sofa to watch an England “Try Fest” in Rome…oh bugger!